A Form of Love
That the soft overcomes the hard, and the yielding overcomes the resistant, is a fact known by all, but practiced by few.
~Lao Tse
What are the curses we pass onto each generation after us? The lack of self worth. The low confidence. The worthlessness. My mother and our family is an example of that. I am breaking the cycle. Not just because I don't have children of my own to pass this onto, but in learning and breaking, I can teach how to stop the cycle and chain of disaster in others including my family, my friends and everyone I encounter.
She married my dad and moved to the States where she was abused and used. She divorced him with 2 young children. Yes, they were fed and housed just fine. But who took on the burden of her lack of self worth and lack of confidence. Me. Her children. I had to take care of my younger brother at the tender age of 13 and help her with almost everything. She guilted me into doing a lot of things for her that I didn't want to do. I overexerted myself for her needs. I overextended myself and little by little I lost love for myself and cared more for others around me.
As a single mother, she took care of everything for us. She did everything in her power to take care of everything just like she was taught by her parents. She overexerted herself for the "love" of her children. She worked like a madwoman because she had to. She didn't have a partner to share the burden with. She did her best as a single human could. But she never asked us to help out by cleaning our rooms or by doing any chores. Once we grew our bodies had grown into psudoadults we...actually I, was expected to take on adult responsibilities. Bam! Just like that. No transition with baby steps as I grew from infant to toddler to teenager. What a shock to my system and burden to my young mind.
Generally, in Korean society the woman does everything for everyone, no matter how old the children got. We become children in adults clothing. We cannot do anything for ourselves because we are cared for until married off or shifted onto another. This is the codependency created. If someone is treated like they are not competent to do things for themselves, then they grow into incompetence and low confidence. We develop the mentality of "I can't do that." "Someone else will do it" " Everyone else is the problem, not me." "Someone will take care of me" Naturally, my mother didn't want her children to hurt or suffer. She tried to shield us as long as possible until she could no longer do it or became so frustrated we were punished and shunned. Nothing in her power could stop the difficult times and stress of life. If anything, what she did disempowered us to deal with stress and cling onto other people for our survival. One of the things we hung onto was drugs and alcohol. We were so confused that we turned to things that clouded and numbed our minds. If we couldn't figure it out, lets just pretend it's not there. What a sad road we took in our own confusion and lack of true love. We tried to destroy ourselves but that was not our destiny.
As an adult I learned to say no. I realize now, I went the route of my mother. I used to stick around and assist her to my detriment. I eventually became independent physically, but mentally I was still dependent on a man or boyfriend. I had never been alone for more than a year. I found my worth in other people. So my codependent behavior was learned. I was nothing without a man. I was nothing without someone else being my worth. I was only someone when I was being a benefit to another. For a long time it was my mom. Then it went to boyfriends. Help them and then I'm worth something. It always came with frustrations of their inadequate behavior and not being perfect. Change this, do this, do that. A never ending expectation that drained everyone and left a lasting sensation of worthlessness. I unknowingly wanted them to be depend on me! I was not only carrying on the curse upon myself but spreading to others. From one person to another the burden is passed.
I now I am finding my worth on my own. Even though we can learn how to live on our own and feed ourselves, the sense of worth cannot be bought. It is sought out for eternity until we hopefully develop it as an adult. I can see it in my older brother. He became an adult but relied heavily on his girlfriends to do and take care of things for him. When he got into a car accident, he told me he doesn't know how to call the insurance company. How sad! I thought. I can see now with clarity that my mother taught him that behavior and sense of incompetence. Could he make money and feed himself? Yes. Did he have the confidence to conquer and overcome anything he wanted to? No. From one hand to another a child is passed. My mother from her mother, to me her child. Children becoming adults way too fast in order to fulfill the needs of a parent. Children learning they are nothing without another. People grow physically but are emotionally stunted to believe they must provide and be something to someone in order to feel worthy of something.
In actuality, we are valuable just as we are. I am learning my value in myself. I do not have to be something to someone in order to be somebody. I used my career for so long in order to fill that void and role. I would educate my patients and try to give them a pleasant experience, then I would feel like a value professional. I became frustrated when my employers would just see me as a replaceable part of their team. I would totally overextend myself and overexert myself in order to be of value to myself. Now, I speak to people as they are. Some don't want to discuss dental. They just want to talk about life and chat. I'll insert bits of dental into the conversation but mostly speak of my experiences or life. I am seeing it more and more now how we can instill confidence in others or make them dependent on us. I think about the kids, My partner's kids, but mine just the same. I want to instill confidence that is gained from figuring out, struggling a bit, and overcoming challenges. I don't want to shield them from the world because it can be a vicious place. I want them to know we are there to lend a shoulder to cry on and not just a handout or helping hand. It's difficult to do that. Because watching another suffer is sometimes unbearable. I learned that love is just that though. To allow another to suffer is love, because if they overcome and figure out their own answers, it provides a gift that is immeasurable. It create a sense of competence. It creates a sense that "I can do anything!" It creates a sense of understanding so they may love and empower others, including their own future children and people around them. It breaks the need to depend on another in order to feel valued.
Getting through the obstacles with my partner has challenged me in ways that were so unfamiliar and uncharted. The confusion and frustration almost took me down. It didn't though because somewhere inside of me I knew I had a value. God spoke to me and held my hand as I worked myself out of the fog and figured it out. I found a place of peace in my quiet moments and there I found my answers. In the calm, I found my clarity. Now, I am going forward confidently with my partner in a truly healthy, empowering relationship. Instead of a codependent, attached, unhealthy, life draining place. I feel strong on my own and with someone else by my side now. I knew I couldn't find this all by myself because it requires the situation in order to overcome it. I thought being by myself and finding myself would be the answer. It wasn't what I felt was the right path for me, so I accepted what was in front of me and never really left. I did create some space by moving out and taking a step back from our relationship. I have slowed down and he has given me the space. That is what I call love. This is love. True love.
Now we can go forward in our love and be a living example of God (or whatever you want to call it). God doesn't punish us. Life is difficult and we see that as an allowance of bad. We blame God for not shielding and preventing horrible things from happening. God is not the creator of good and bad situations. God does not smite us or test us. God is the creator of life. Are horrendous events the hand of God or is that Life? God never said "I will make sure nothing bad happens ever to you." No. God said I will hold your hand and wipe your tears away. We shouldn't play something God doesn't even do. To interfere with each others' life lessons is to quietly destroy and we define that as love. Destructive love not only disempowers us, it leaves us empty wanting for more and never being satisfied. How wretched of a soul we become when we don't see our own innate value to live for. This is the self love I have learned with being with my partner. He is my savior in a sense because without him I would've never made these realizations. Without all the strife, confusion, challenges and difficult moments I've had with him, I would've never overcome and made these realizations. I am forever grateful for him for teaching me how to love.
God is love. God is trust. God is peace. God is joy. God is everything. We are God. God is us. If something created our essence of soul then we are it. Find your love and light.